A friend and co-worker by the name of Josh (who will probably get quite upset to see that I’ve listed him as a friend, but he can go straight to hell if he doesn’t like it) recently sent me the following video about a little, non-lethal heat beam being developed by the military to safely disperse unruly crowds, create new sex fetishes, and heat 7-11 breakfast sandwiches from 50 feet away (more below).
When the hell is the military going to get serious? Non-lethal? Who gives a good god-damn!? The last I heard, we have a perfectly good, non-lethal method for breaking up angry teenagers brazenly throwing bottles at pasty college history professors—it’s called a fire hose, my friends. We’ve been using them for many years to great effect.
Come on, General. You cats are failing on all fronts. We simply don’t get anything good out of you anymore. I think the last time you impressed anybody was the tank—but that was like in 1911 and it was made by the Germans. Stealth bombers? Please. It’s an airplane, pure and simple. Where are the hover cars? Where’s the warp drives? Super-human strength suits? Anti-gravity paint?
Heat ray? Get serious. If you’d like to know what you should be concocting in your secret mountain laboratories, all you have to do is pop some freaking pop corn, huddle the kiddies around, and watch some Star Wars, my man. Do you see the big beams that drop dudes mid-sprint and destroy whole planets? That’s what we’re looking for. Land speeders. Floating cities. Robots. Where’s my protocol droid, General?! WHERE IS IT?!
Oh well. Maybe next time. Anyway, thanks for the big, dumb, rolling microwave, I guess. The next time I have the munchies, I’ll grab a Hot Pocket and start a riot.
11 Comments
Brilliant! Top Ten!
I wonder if it can pop “jiffy pop”?
Now he probably can’t have kids !!!……………… (the lucky bastard)
Oh, I’m sure they have lethal versions too. It’s just that the non-lethal version is/will be much more important to this and future governments, as the main purpose of such devices is for governments to use *against their own people*. And you really just want to control them, not kill them. I mean, if you kill your own lower class who is gonna buy your crappy mp3 players and Chicken McNuggets, whose pensions are you going to steal, and who is gonna wait the tables and scrub the toilets?
So calm down, Jose.. don’t fret, our government will do more than it’s fare share of annihilating foreigners by energy beam in the maybe not so distant future. But here at home we really *need* something to shut them up and send them running back to the mall.
On the news, I once saw a guy perched atop a bridge threatening to jump. Now, by this point the media and the police talk-down squad had shown up. What that guy didn’t know was that there was a sniper not to far away ready to shoot him with a bean bag gun (non-lethal weapon) when he had a clear shot; the guy would be stunned and they could yank him down. Finally, they shot him. It not only stunned him, it also knocked him off the bridge, he plunged into the river and barely survived. Ha.
Jose, I think the bottom line is that we don’t need anymore weapons–lethal or non.
Also, when the camera isn’t there, do you think that guy really says “engage” every time he fires it?
Well, thank God for that, zenpvnk. I do hope, though, that you can see the death beam. I don’t like the idea of these invisible beams. There’s no WOW factor in that.
Ha ha, Medium. I am glad that somebody brought up the “engage” thing. I would love to see that news article, as well. I will have to disagree with you, however. We need more advanced lethal weapons so we can get rid of all of these inelegant dinosaurs that are so freaking messy. Blood spatter…ew.
ALSO…do you think this guy dances around like that when his shower gets too hot? My bet is that Danzig would like to get a look at that video clip.
How much would you pay at a carnival to see how long you can stand in the beam?
I would pay at least a buck two-seventy-five.