Jose el Retardo

I racked my brain for two days trying to think of something that might make for interesting reading in regards to the New Year and how it might be made brighter than the dank cave that was 2008. But every time I thought I was reaching a decision, the very weight of the subject matter would become so heavy and dense that my neck would ache.

The options:

• The worldwide misconception that the moderately great nation America is fit to lead a global financial revolution, when its own government cannot even spot a 50 BILLION DOLLAR theft right from under its exceedingly dull nose—even though several people tried to point it out for nearly a decade.
• The dreary outlook for American workers as their pay remains stagnant (at best) yet their healthcare costs are set to soar 9%.
• The unemployment rate is nearly 7% and shows no real signs of stopping—not to mention the fact that this figure doesn’t even include all the poor bastards so dry from despair that they don’t care to look anymore.
• Hamas are without a doubt a bunch of monsters, yet this alone surely cannot justify the deaths of so many children can it? Really? What is the cost of politics and alliances? If you cannot tell the truth to your friends, then to whom can you tell it? I mean, for the love of our dear, absent Christ, look at this.
• The Kennedy aristocracy once again gilding the ass of one of their own in preparation for the anointment to a super-duper high government position that they didn’t really want, or indeed, work for.
• Chicago politics rages even more brightly than they did in the age of Capone, so now we have the crappy, welter-weight bout of the US Senate vs Roland Burris to look forward to, so good luck thinking any of the above problems will be attended to anytime soon. What a bunch of assholes. Get your priorities straight!
• So many people are in trouble yet I’m still too lazy to take my old clothes to the Goodwill. Ahhh well. My old clothes are crap anyway.
• I am a terrible person. I do not foresee myself becoming a better person in 2009.

So well, you know, what the hell is a person supposed to say about any of these things? The world is a cesspool, and the newspaper is proof. That’s all.

But I DO have a wish, I suppose. It’s small, but if it came true, I would be so happy. It’s this: A little while ago I came up with a simple doodle of an overweight woman made from the shape of a penis, and I’d like for it to become a popular, standard doodle for notebooks around the world. It’s very easy to draw—see for yourself:

Nice, right? The balls are the boobs, the shaft becomes the neck, the little ring serves as ears, and the head is, well, the head. I thought about re-drawing it to make it better, but I think it would lose some of its majestic purity if I did.

Try it out for yourself, and send me the results. I’d love to see what people come up with. Draw it during a meeting or in math class. Spread a smile. We all need it.