Jose el Retardo

Even after many swore they witnessed his death, Jabba the Hutt has recently resurfaced on popular New York City local news station NY1. What is even more shocking than this nearly Christ-like resurrection is the connection Mr. Hutt—last seen being blown to bits aboard his own private hover-barge on desert planet Tatooine—apparently holds to presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff. It is unclear if, or by how much, this information will hinder Clinton’s aspirations to the nation’s highest office.

Staff artists here at Jose el Retardo have created a depiction of what Jabba might look like without his ill-fitting suit, seen left. Authorities are urging witnesses to report any sightings immediately, as Mr. Hutt is an alleged felon with allegations of racketeering that spread across several decades as well as galaxies, and is suspected of maintaining many of his old crime syndicate connections.

The New York City Police Department are also on the look out for the annoying, little, cackling thing that always hung around Jabba’s tail—whom many have claimed to have spotted frequenting the Clinton’s Chappaqua, NY home in recent months.

The interviewer Wilford Brimley has been released from police custody, but has been ordered to remain within New York City limits pending more questioning.