If there’s one thing we can ALL agree on in this tepid cesspool of a world, it’s this: there’s nothing worse than a big fucking phony. It’s even worse to take your own faults and blemishes and claim they are the actually the negative qualities of another. Steve Jobs and the good people of Apple Computers have turned these despicable attributes into—quite literally—an art form.

This is not to say that Apple does not make an array of fine products. They do. Their computers are elegant in form and just as reliable as anything else you can purchase from the other numerous assholes of the world; the iPod is popular for a reason; the ubiquitous iTunes music service changed the industry. But as soon as you begin to take a closer look into any of these wonder-gizmos, something much more sinister is found under the “gee, neat-o” veneer.

I’m not going to break it down product by product because it’s all related. And it’s all centered on one of the most diabolical creations of recent times; the most twisted and surreal of all of man’s creations; the Achilles’ heel to keep the human race out of the vast cosmic annals detailing the great civilizations of the endless galaxy: marketing. It is the way Mr. Weirdo Dad-jeans Jobs markets these products to his public of adoring suckers that really sets my teeth on edge. Take the following advertisement. I’m sure you’ve seen this, as well as the numerous others in this campaign of well made, cleverly written, and completely baseless commercials (more below):

This may—MAY—be the purest example I have ever seen of an uninformed American public being led like senseless zombies to spend their (sort of) hard-earned cash based purely on witty dialog and cool t-shirts. Most of you out there are in fact reading this on a pc-based machine—more than 90% of you, as a matter of fact. How hard was it for you to use the latest digital camera you purchased? I am willing to bet that most of you were up and running out of the box pretty quickly. Okay, now, all you Mac users out there, I’d like for you, if you have the means, to try something for me: plug any mp3 player OTHER than an iPod into your Apple computer and tell me what happens. On second thought, don’t. I don’t need you to. I’ve tried it and I know damn good and well that NOTHING happens. The Mac doesn’t even register that a device has been slid into its sexy, curvy, white, box. What a shitty date you are, Mac. A horrible lover. I hate you, Steve Jobs, you dirty bastard. You deliberately made your sensual hub resistant to any other portable music device other than the one your own damn company makes. And then you have the fucking BALLS to broadcast advertisements saying your computers are more tolerant to outside devices than those of your competitors. LIAR. ASSHOLE. Black turtle necks on men SUCK.

The fact is that Mac users as a whole tend to be older (which I assume is an income thing seeing as Macs are so god-damned expensive; so much for the bullshit stance Apple tries to take about being for the young at heart and hip). I think older people have less time and inclination to mess around under the hood, so to speak. They don’t get into the guts of a computer, so they fuck it up less. I’ve been messing up computers since I first laid my hands on one years ago—mainly because I opened up the system folders and started screwing around with all the stuff that wasn’t meant to be touched. People who mess around with the inside of computers tend to buy PCs.

So yes, I know, it’s no big shock. Marketers are liars and pigs and should try to find something more meaningful to do with their lives. However, here’s a small anecdote that, when I was first told the story by my co-worker and fellow gadget head Mark (aka zenpvnk to the cyber world), drove me to distraction; it became the basis for my ranting for at least two days. It goes a little something like this: My friend Mark recently purchased an iPod Nano for his wife. A fine gift. Very thoughtful. Mark is a sweet teddy bear of a hubby and we are all very proud of him and his accomplishments. So. If you have ever purchased a similar piece of equipment, you know that most come supplied with a cable that allows you to hook your new, fun, quality-of-life-improving device up to the blessed television, therefore allowing you to completely bore the shit out of your friends much more effectively. Not so with the iPod. The cord must be purchased separately. Fine. This isn’t all that deviant or singular of a business practice; many companies try to keep the costs of production lower by not including such niceties, and in doing so have kept Radio Shack in business for decades. Fucking Radio Shack, right?

Mark explained to me that in the past he has purchased the cords he needed for Mac products from third-party retailers for around five dollars. Apple of course sells their own cords for the devices, but charges upwards of $40. This is their prerogative. The world is about choice, right? To save money or be brand loyal is a common dilemma. However, Mark quickly discovered that Steve “The Prick” Jobs has once again fixed the game. Now the iPod device’s proprietary cords include a computer chip built in that PRECLUDES them from using any other brand! And…AND…the damned thing costs $50! FIFTY DOLLARS! Five zero dollars, people! An insult. An outrage. And Steve claims to be at the head of some kind of imaginary revolution enabling the whole fucking world to create even more intolerable, crappy, digital dance music while holed-up in their basements all night.

Steve Jobs, bite my ass.

Get it together, people. Open your eyes. Stop swallowing every load shot at you simply because you were told you have an expressive singing voice. Business people freaking LOVE Steve Jobs. They put his bearded face in nearly every PowerPoint presentation they make (a delicious irony…if he’s so smart, why aren’t these very business people using Keynote). Have you ever thought about why?

Oh, and by the way, I have never purchased an iPod for my own use. I use Creative Labs Vision M, and I can give my songs out to whoever the hell I want. Screw iTunes. Stupid freaking entertainment industry servant. Oh my god. I could go on forever, so I won’t.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 4th, 2008 at 3:35 pm and is filed under The Soapbox. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.