The United States can be an okay place to live sometimes—desk jobs are plentiful for anybody ambivalent enough to want them, internet service doesn’t even come close to matching Taiwan’s but at least we have it, no one likes us but we don’t really have a need to go anywhere either. That being said, it’s no walk in the park, brother. America is built on the philosophy of the wild, wild west, my friends, no matter on which coast you choose to live. All you have to do is walk out your front door and you could be hit on the head with a brick; or, more probably, struck by a car. Nor will getting back indoors help you. Once you get off the brutal boulevards and enter the cool comfort of your American Dream job at the aforementioned desk, your chances of getting into even more hot water are grimly high.

Yet, the nightmarish streets built by our founding capitalists need not frighten you into a lifetime of crippling agoraphobia. In times of catastrophic peril when all other avenues of reason cannot provide Americans with a livable solution, fashion always finds a way. Behold, the Urban Walking Helmet.

Okay, so it isn’t a national trend yet, but think of all of the nasty side effects of living being solved with one handsome solution. These helmets go with almost any style of apparel you could imagine, are relatively inexpensive and simple to produce, are wrinkle free, and—with the addition of a thin, lightweight layer of Kevlar—bulletproof.

How would you pimp your UWH? Download the image below, design it to your liking using the photo editing software of your choice, and then send it back to our creative offices by clicking here. Your design could be seen in the upcoming pages of Jose el Retardo!