Lately there has been a plethora of articles from the New York Times website describing the habits, follies, and hardships of the upper crust, and every time someone in the desperate bullpen of Jose el Retardo’s editorial department runs across one of these tasty items, there is much retching and shouting, and without fail, our lazy yet trusted janitor—lil’ Tommy Lyon—must be called in with his steam carpet cleaner to suck the pools bile from under our Ikea desks. We’ve talked about it before; you can read a previous article by clicking here, or view our brother site Medium Happiness for their take on the subject. Today, we spied another article regarding the plight of the modern rich and how life for the financially advanced can be a precarious balance. Check it out here: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/01/fashion/01rich.html?em&ex=1212552000&en=d3fe3d03622d334b&ei=5087%0A

It would appear that the worst-case scenario is unfolding before our very eyes in this, our moderately decent nation: the super rich are becoming slightly less super-rich in recent months, and their egos are taking a real beating. I for one was absolutely shocked to find this article, because I must say, I thought the upper classes had been doing just fine; but little did I know the hits they have been taking—not only in their pocketbooks, but in their personal relationships and, perhaps most importantly, in their sense of self. Take a look at this frightening quote from the Times article:

Interviews with the people who actually see the bank statements, like divorce lawyers and lenders, say their clients are definitely living on less than they did a year ago, regardless of how expansive the definition of “less” may be. Hairstylists and private jet rental companies say the wealthy are cutting back on luxuries like $350 highlights and $10,000-an-hour jet rentals. Even nutritionists and personal trainers notice a problem. The wealthy are eating more and gaining weight because of the stress.

If your heart didn’t just break, you might want to try going back and re-reading that quote one more time. They are so stressed out that they are eating more and gaining weight. GAINING WEIGHT. This is unhealthy to the extreme, and sends these unfortunate wealthy souls into an inevitable shame cycle, from which it may take days or sometimes weeks to recover. Conversely, when you or I run into times of financial adversity, we cut back on the extras and generally tend to LOOSE weight, which is fantastic. It’s almost as if having less money to spend is a good thing for you and me—it’s downright healthy. We look better, feel better…our work uniforms fit us better, giving us greater mobility—which, through the added exercise, takes off even MORE pounds. We can’t go wrong. Hell, no wonder our federal and local governments are constantly striving to ensure that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Like it or lump it, it’s the only way to make absolutely certain that a proper balance is established, and that a general sense of public well-being is maintained. If you cannot find the sagacity in this sound and prudent policy of fiscal disparity, then I pity you, sir.

I can tell from your smirks that many of you—the faithful readers—are skeptical of my concern for America’s distressed well-to-do. I am asking you as a friend to withhold your judgment until you have read this passage, from the same clipping:

“Even if they’re not in danger of not paying their mortgage, there’s still a psychological change,” said Chris Del Gatto, chief executive of Circa, which has watched its business jump by 50 percent in the last year as wealthy clients sell their spare diamonds and Rolexes. “The economy is an issue even for people who don’t need the money.”

Can you imagine how it must feel to lose your spare Rolex? It must be like selling off your own organs. In many parts of the world, the poor will sell their children into slavery or prostitution in order to make ends meet, but again we see the same pattern of underlying benefit for the underprivileged. Anyone who has raised or been around children knows how much of a monetary and mental toll they can take on a household. By selling the child, the parent makes a few extra dollars, while at the same time cutting expenses. Win/win. Meanwhile, the child learns priceless job skills (free of charge, btw) that they will keep for a lifetime, and are immediately given a gift that can never depreciate: job security.

But a Rolex…ahh…this is not something so easily disregarded. How could one forget the moment of purchase? The expectation of extreme consumerism, the elation and discovery at the time of procurement, the weight of luxury, and the glory of fine craftsmanship—one does not embark upon this humbling responsibility of sumptuous ownership lightly. One enters such a relationship with a lavish object assuming it will be for life…and yet…one day you awake and find you must part with this item so beloved, and most likely at half its original price. It’s demoralizing and criminal, and we must find some way to put a stop to it before anything worse can happen.

Oh, but wait. Something worse IS happening:

On a spring afternoon, a half-dozen hairstylists to the very wealthy talked about how customers are stretching their $350 highlights and $150 haircuts to every eight weeks instead of six weeks. Some women are cutting out highlights entirely, saying they would “rather be brunettes.”

Rather be brunettes?! You must be joking! I almost threw my computer out the window at the very thought. With any luck it would have crushed a hobo. I would have ran downstairs, taken the change cup from his cold, stiffening hand, and personally delivered the money inside to Ted Kennedy. My lord, it makes me so angry. It makes me INSANE. I hear people all the time prattling away on the television about fighting for public education funds, about revitalizing the docks with scenic public parks, the rising costs of public transportation and fuel prices, and everybody so goddamned concerned with the healthcare needs of a growing population of blue-haired old bitches whining and crying about “my brittle bones” this and “my swelling prostate” that. OMG people, FUCK that! There are very rich women out there threatening to no longer be blonde. People, can you even imagine what kind of chaos could follow? Can’t you see that money and good looks is the only thing keeping most of these power couples together? I suppose you assume that the rock-solid marriages of the rich can withstand any petty beatings we dole out. They can not.

The drop in wealth has also exposed other personal problems, like bad marriages. Money—which bought jewelry or extravagant vacations—helped smooth over many of these difficulties, said Kenneth Mueller, a psychotherapist in the East Village who works with many Wall Street bankers and real estate developers. Now, he said, his clients “catastrophize” smaller bonuses or shriveling stock portfolios.

The marriages of the rich are falling apart, and new alliances will never be formed because of yet another trickle-down effect of the crises of the American wealthy:

Clay Burwell, a personal trainer to many Wall Street executives, said that his clients were also feeling the toll. A year of eating more, drinking more and working longer hours has started to hurt their health. “They come into the gym with a dark storm cloud over their head,” he said. “They look like hell.”

Fattened, ugly, mousey, and not quite as rich as before, these titans begin to crumble. They fail to procreate (decimating the nanny industry), severing chains of sovereignty forged in a time when people knew their place. Despondent, with nothing better than a cheap Timex strapped to their wrists to count off the dreary seconds of their now-paltry existences, the once-affluent begin to disband and walk among us, the filthy and undeserving proletariat. And so comes crashing down around us the nobility of America.

I hope you’re all happy.