Hollywood, CA (JeR)—American Idol judge and choreography legend Paula Abdul stunned the scientific world last night when she became the first known human in the history of man to successfully time travel. And she did so in front of millions of astonished fans while speaking on live television during the latest of what was shaping up to become the dullest of seasons for the ratings powerhouse. But now Idol fans will have reason again to tune-in to this explosively popular program as they try and catch Abdul in more ground-breaking explorations of the space-time continuum.

The event took place during Abdul’s critique of contestant Jason Castro’s initial performance on a night dedicated to the works of Idol mentor Neil Diamond.

Abdul and her two counterparts, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell, were to be giving professional assessments of the remaining contenders’ first foray into the legendary songwriter’s library of hits, but much to the surprise and confusion of all looking on, Abdul, after commenting on Castro’s first performance, began reviewing the second, which had yet to take place. Said Abdul regarding Castro’s second performance:

The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn’t…it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty. And uh…the two songs made me feel like you’re not fighting hard enough to…to get into the top four.

Jackson then goes on to inform Abdul that she has not yet heard the second song, to which Abdul replies, “Oh my God, I thought you sang twice.” Host Ryan Seacrest, the Face of America, then gives voice to what we the viewing audience had been thinking at home by saying, “You’re seeing the future, baby.”

The astonishing fact of the whole event is this: Abdul was dead-on in her prophetic observations concerning Castro’s second performance. It sucked. It left us empty. It made us feel as if he was no longer trying…

Immediately following the show, executives at Fox Broadcasting quickly escorted Abdul from the Idol stage and shuttled her to an unknown destination, for fear of the songstress revealing details about this evenings vote-off show, about any of American Idol’s future events—including the season finale—or, in fact, who the last Idol of all time will be in the decades to come.

A Fox employee, who chose to remain off the record, informed Jose el Retardo that they did not plan on letting physicists question Abdul anytime soon. “There’s too much revenue at stake,” he explained, “We’ll probably keep her sequestered for the rest of her life. We have no choice. She signed a contract; she knew what she was getting herself into, so fuck her.” When asked whether Fox was taking a stance on the implications of keeping Abdul from the scientific community, our source exclaimed, “It’s time travel! When she’s dead, they can cut her up, figure out what made her tick, and then go back in time a few years and tell the world. That’s the beauty of it. Time travel erases moral obligations to the social fabric.”

Abdul was not available for comment.