Hype is defined by Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as: to promote or publicize extravagantly. While there may not be a public relations blitz to keep Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band by the Beatles on top of the current music hot 100 type bullshit stuff, it still makes it to the top of influential music lists compiled by dorks everywhere. I would love for somebody to tell me why. To the best of my reckoning, there are two good songs on the entire album, which according to the calculations performed by the accounting offices here at Jose el Retardo would place the album at the bottom of the Beatles pile; although it did have way cool cover art, and logistically this could have affected many listeners. I have provided to my genial readers a track listing for Sgt. Peppers below, with my Own Personal Thoughts on each song (forever to be known as Jose’s OPT scale):

Side one

1. “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” – Sucks.

2. “With a Little Help from My Friends” – Blows.

3. “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” – Pretty good.

4. “Getting Better” – Barely not crap.

5. “Fixing a Hole” – Eh.

6. “She’s Leaving Home” – Please.

7. “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!” – Pure nonsense.

Side two

1. “Within You Without You” – Oh come on. What is it even doing on this record?

2. “When I’m Sixty-Four” – Schmaltz. Kinda catchy, but pure crap.

3. “Lovely Rita” – What? I don’t get it.

4. “Good Morning Good Morning” – At least it’s short.

5. “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (reprise)” – What, again? Ugh. Kill me.

6. “A Day in the Life” – Fucking awesome. Truly.

And now, here are some Beatles albums that are at least 50 times better than the above mentioned waste of wax, in no particular order, except that the White Album is obviously the best, and anyone who disagrees has poop on their shoe:

1. The White Album

2. Abby Road

3. Magical Mystery Tour

4. Let It Be

5. Revolver

6. Rubber Soul

7. Help

8. The Early Beatles

And who knows. The rest are probably all better too, but I’ve never been a huge fan of the way early stuff. The true nail in the coffin, for me, is the awful movie Robert Stigwood made back in 1978, the premise of which is still a matter of hot debate in the circles of people that debate retarded things. The Beatles, having been long apart, never appeared in the movie, but history’s most bizarre cast of characters ever sure did: The Bee Gees, Steve Martin, Peter Frampton, George Burns, Arrowsmith, Leif Garrett, Wolfman Jack, and many other mismatched celebrities. It was universally panned. I don’t need to tell you about it, just watch this awful clip.

BTW, can anybody tell me why this old man is being allowed to walk off to destinations unknown with two young girls? Does this bother anyone besides me? Thank god that everything that lives must die, or else we’d be stuck with George Burns forever.