Hollywood, CA (JeR)—Sources at Fox Studios have leaked to Jose el Retardo a startling revelation: Ryan Seacrest is not long for the Idol world. In preparation for his imminent departure from this—America’s greatest television show—circumstances have taken the producers of American Idol to a strange new television first: The live, on-air, audition.

One of the most recent trials for a new host of all seasons is available for viewing to the left of this text. The unnamed hopeful, seen here standing directly to the viewers’ left of Seacrest, gave one of the most wide-eyed auditions seen of late, and according to the Jose insider: “This kid is a real possibility. Look at how bad he wants it. One of the real issues we have with Seacrest is his likeability factor.

No one is paying attention to the contestants, or to Paula, with a handsome man like Ryan around. But look at this guy! He’s so fucking strange and unlikable…he’s the guy you never wanted coming to your birthday party; he’s the fuck-up in the glee club; the only boy in the cheerleading squad. We love him. He’s a real contender.”

Another source states: “Seacrest has it all. He’s an entertainment giant now. He oozes confidence and showmanship from every pore and tear duct, and it’s made him a household name. We need someone so awkward and sloppy that you want to look almost anywhere else; someone who is going to make every contestant you stand next to him seem like the second coming of Christ. This kid might be it.”

Seacrest is slated to leave the show at the end of this season, which is closing in fast on the Fox network, but the sources say they are definitely not panicking, and they are certainly not rationalizing or coming up with excuses to get their search for a new host over quickly. “No, no, no. That’s not it at all. Look, one of the primary qualities we have been searching for is the ability to pull off the quintuple-double-take. Seacrest could never do it. But look at this guy! He rules it! He makes me completely uncomfortable and totally puts me on edge, and that’s exactly what we’re looking for.”