A visit from the Pope to your homeland is always frightening, and is bound to cause some level of anxiety in all but the most stouthearted of us, but the sense of terror that travels in the papal wake need not take control of your life. Always remember that while he may be a member of the undead, reviled for traveling in shadow to feed off of the precious life-force of the living, his true dark power lies in his ability to cloud your mind with fear, suppressing your ability to take action and wriggle out from under his horrifying, suffocating grasp. This being said, there are ways to fortify your spirit against this oppressive presence. Follow these simple, Jose-tested, common-sense rules, and you should find yourself sleeping more soundly over this trying week:

1. Remember, the Pope cannot enter your home unless you INVITE HIM IN. Seems simple, but don’t forget: it’s important to make sure your entire family has been trained in denying the Pope entry. Even if only ONE person living in your dwelling invites the pope inside through any door, window, or ANY other opening, then the Pope is allowed free entry in and out for eternity. Talk to roommates and visitors as well.

2. Fashion a garlic necklace. The Pope HATES this. Infuse garlic with olive oil and spray it on your outdoor plants and walkways. It helps keep him at a distance, therefore diminishing the chances you’ll need to enact Rule #1. You can also soak in a garlic bath, but this is usually deemed a trifle excessive. The necklace seems to work just fine, and keeps you getting laid.

3. Keep a mirror within handy reach. If you are confused as to whether or not you are dealing with the actual Pope, hold it in front of him. If you can see his reflection, you’re cool. He’s not the real Pope. However, dealing with an impostor can be just as dangerous, as it could be a way of distracting you while the real Pope is sneaking up behind on tip-toe, preparing to pounce; get yourself to a safe place immediately. If you can’t see his reflection in the mirror, well…honestly, if you let him get that close, you’re a goner anyway. If you’ve properly handled Rule #2 it should never come to this.

4. While it’s true that the Pope cannot stand the sun, this is generally dealt with by keeping the old coot constantly lathered in a thick coating of aluminum-based sun block. You will also notice that his handlers keep the “man” dressed in heavy white cloaks and hats at all times. This reflects the sun’s rays harmlessly back into the atmosphere. So with these considerations, it’s crucial to not rely on sunlight to save you.

5. The whole crucifix thing is an utter myth spread by the mealy minions in the Vatican. They WANT you to use it, for the cross is actually a source of much strength for the Pope, and if you produce it while defending yourself or while fleeing, your ass is grass.

6. Wear a priest collar. Not a costume collar, but an authentic clerical collar from your local priest uniform store. They are heavily reinforced, and have been specifically designed to protect the devoted from the Pope’s bottomless hunger.

That’s the short list. Print it out and stick it to the fridge, loyal readers. It’s going to be a long week. Jose out.