Los Angeles, CA (JeR)—As horrified fans and well-wishers looked on, an exhausted and distraught Paula Abdul made her way from Fox LA Headquarters to an idling limousine early this morning with what looked to be multiple injuries to her face and extremities. She was escorted by several armed Fox Security personnel, the very same who ushered her from Fox studios on Tuesday after Abdul had made her supposed leap forward in time to witness American Idol contestant Jason Castro’s abominable interpretation of megastar Neil Diamond’s 1980 hit, September Morn.

“We’re all so shocked,” said one fan, as tears coursed down her stout cheeks. “She’s always been there for ALL of us, but who will rescue her?” The flustered devotee then turned to a friend and exclaimed, “I just want to die.”

Sentiments appeared to be uniform in the crowd of onlookers, and as Abdul’s car sped away, many milled about aimlessly for well over an hour, wondering how they would piece together their desperate lives; lives now placed in jeopardy by a callous media corporation and a world unconcerned with the fate of one frail, petite celebrity burdened with the proof of one of Albert Einstein’s greatest puzzles.

Some were angry, and they demanded satisfaction for the scientific community who apparently has been robbed of their chance to observe one of the most historical and mysterious phenomena of the millennium—perhaps of all time: that of Abdul’s evident ability to time travel.

Said one: “Look, it’s obvious what happened. Fox was terrified that Abdul would eventually spill the beans about all the future American Idols to come and they decided to shut her up! They beat the shit out of her! And of ALL the reasons they could have picked to beat the shit out of her, they choose the most despicable!”

Another chimed in, “The fact that Jason Castro is still in the competition after last night’s laughable vote-off is proof enough. We’re not stupid. We know when we’re being led off the scent. We can’t let this happen!”

“Kill Castro!” was the chant that later rent the air of Century City, and by noon, effigies of Castro burned in the streets. They were soon met with strong opposition from pro-Cuba factions, and soon all of Los Angeles was ablaze.

Jose el Retardo now believes that our inside source to Fox, who informed us of Abdul’s location yesterday, is now missing and presumed dead by the Los Angeles Police Department, who declined comment. When pressed, a fatigued desk officer only said, “Well, when a man’s head is sent to the station without the rest of his body attached, we generally operate under the assumption that the man is dead.”

Abdul was not available for comment. Jason Castro was also missing, but only presumed stoned.

Many Americans cannot stomach even a single viewing of American Idol, and I can certainly understand why. Completely. It is mind bogglingly corporate; a music industry whore playing up the worst of American culture; the contestants are bafflingly ostentatious for the amount of talent they have to offer; the show goes into painstaking detail about the lives of the contestants, but to the best of my recollection I never asked for any of these details (because I do not care to know), and the end result is programming that has been bloated to, at times, 5+ hours a week of pure filler. Would you assholes shut up and SING, already?

Yet I cannot bring myself to turn away.

The reasons why are clear. Firstly, there are rare moments when a young singer actually impresses the shit out of me. But even more so, I cannot get enough of that dastardly Simon Cowell. He is a trend setter for modern television: the viscous, truth-telling judge of the talent show, intent on bringing down the façade of niceties that have caused such a glut of painfully pitiful products in the entertainment market. The difference between Cowell and the countless spin-offs he has inspired is that Simon seems to know what he is talking about. I don’t always agree with his opinion, but it always appears to come from a pragmatic place.

None of this is new, and many have said this before, to be sure. However, it is extraordinarily impressive—to me, at least—that after 7 seasons (we are currently in the 8th), Simon is still just as doggedly dedicated to clearing the crap out of the road as he was in the beginning (more below).

The beauty of the clip you just watched is this: a minutely talented (at best) and hugely annoying contestant gets the boot. Paula Abdul (the nice one) takes the time to carefully keep this borderline-retarded, show-tunes wannabe, punk-ass turd’s ego intact by propping him up with lies, and we watch Colton’s face as he beams at the news Paula gives him, only to have Simon dash it apart. I love it. Watch his face fall—and right in front of the guy’s parents, at that. It’s painfully beautiful. Although, to Colton’s credit, he takes the news well.

I love watching this kind of thing happen to Americans. If ever there was a group of people with a distorted sense of self, it is us. Our sense of entitlement has grown to grotesque proportions, and I only wish we had more straight-talking limeys to knock us down a few more pegs. I love this country, and I’d like for us to all forget about what horrible things we think Hillary is doing to it (OMG how weird that she has a Myspace page), and concentrate more on what the COLTON’s are doing to it.

“Why don’t you keep your opinions to yourself?” Paula asks.

“Then don’t ask me,” replies Cowell. Touché.