This article (click HERE to view it) from the New York Times web site is about as frightening as they come.  It’s like a horror movie:  the seemingly lovable servant to man insidiously working for his demise, and man does not even see it coming because of his own greed.  Huh.  Come to think of it, I guess it’s more like a Twilight Zone episode.

Oh well.  Whatever.  It’s freaking scary, is what I’m saying.

I don’t know what to do.  I love meat so much, I could never stop eating it.  Oh you horrible cow, I could kill you for what you’re doing to me!  I hate you!  No, I love you!  No, I HATE you!  Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  I’ll gut you!  I’ll eat you, you bastard cow!  Take that!  And THAT!  AND THAT!!

Oh no…no…see what you’ve gone and made me do?  Well, waste not want not, right?  Nom nom nom.

Once again, Jose el Retardo is doing what he can to bring you the facts. In a world full of weird bodily fluids and strange toxic babies, a voice of truth. Reason. Tell the world, people, that Heath Ledger was not in Mary-Kate Olson’s apartment! Once again, from the NY Times:

“At first, Paul J. Browne, the Police Department’s deputy commissioner for public information, said that the apartment was owned by the actress Mary-Kate Olsen, but later reversed himself and said that was not the case. In a phone interview, Annette Wolf, a representative of Ms. Olsen, said, “It is not her apartment,” adding, “She does not own the apartment. She has never owned the apartment. She and her sister have an apartment in New York City but they are not in this building.” An earlier version of this article reported the erroneous detail from the police.”

So I guess he wasn’t banging the crazy stick girl. Cross out the first reason on my list for suicide.

So, hey, it was also reported that this guy was found dead and naked at the foot of his bed by the housekeeper and the masseuse, and then later, they said he was merely unconscious ON the bed but could not be revived-with a bunch of sleeping pills by his bed (the article I read said “both prescription medication and nonprescription”; something about that is also strange to me). Where do the reporters get these initial reports? WAS he naked at the foot of the bed, and the family was like, “Hey, WTF you assholes, can you afford this guy some dignity?” Or did a bunch of overly-eager, grade-grubbing reporters latch on with ferocious tenacity to the first bone they were thrown without bothering to check on the veracity of such tawdry, back-alley banter? Either way, the world is a pretty crazy place.

One last question, and then let’s get to drying our eyes and searching for the next big mess: If in fact this man committed suicide, with a name like Ledger, why didn’t he choose to jump off a building?