The world sucks. You know it and I know it, and there’s no use denying it with any namby-pamby “check out the flowers” and “just wait for the sunrise” horseshit. Plenty of baby deer have bitten the bullet (literally) while gazing at a beautiful prairie sunset. They were then field dressed and eaten by fat people. From the very beginning of a human being’s existence—when some grotesque cosmic fool tosses a grimy set of dice down the board in order to decide when, how, and where you’ll start your reality—to the wretched end (you spend a lifetime accumulating some kind of record for yourself, a pocket full of memories, only to have them all slip away in life’s final, frail moments) the constant, grinding challenges set before the individual can wear a soul down to its very nub.

For the love of Christ, isn’t there anything on this god-forsaken rock that can make it all worth while—or, at the very least, slightly tolerable? Yes, of course there is. And that is what this post is all about: the first of many suggestions from your mentor and closest advisor, Jose. Together, they can be used as a guide to the small gratuities that light the dark corners of life.

CHICKEN IN A BISKIT
From Nabisco

Me and Chicken in a Biskit go WAAAAAY back, brother. I remember, as a young boy developing his taste buds in the breadbasket of America, the first time this delectable little crisp of artificial flavor passed my lips. A gathering of sorts was taking place at my home, and a parental unit, in preparation, had placed a wide assortment of salty/sweet snacks upon the kitchen table…and to a child, the array was breathtaking. I paced to-and-fro, up and down the entire length of the table several times, trying to process the overload of bliss: mints, bowls of dip, candied almonds, endless variations of potato chips, cold cuts, cheeses, and…wait a minute…what are these? Something unknown, yet alluring. A tempting, dimple-edged cracker, light and crispy looking, with miniscule granules of flavor you could SEE coating the entire flatbread from end to end—and a scent…indefinable but palpable…mouth watering. The effect was powerful.

Did I dare try one even before the first guest had arrived? Hadn’t I been told REPEATEDLY not to touch the table until the party started? Surely I had never given a damn for the random commands barked at me by the powers that be in the past, so why start now? What could they do to me, right? Oh lord, that cracker looked GOOD.

Using the back of my hand, I wiped my mouth nervously and looked around, checking all angles and shadows for any sign of prying eyes, or, in the case of my sister, flapping jaws (this is, of course, complete conjecture on my part—I don’t actually remember wiping my mouth or looking around).

I snatched it from the bowl and popped it quickly into my mouth. Wow. It was truly a taste explosion. Salty yet somehow smooth, and so crispy it seemed nearly frozen. Several more followed the first, each one more savory than the last. Getting braver by the second, I grabbed a can of easy cheese (cheddar, and yes, I DO remember that) and sprayed the SHIT out of one of those fucking biskits. Chew, chew, chew, gulp. OH MY GOD. Dear Jesus, come and save me. The room began to swim and spin and I nearly fell backwards.

By the time it was over, I felt giddy and dirty all at once. But I knew I wasn’t done with Chicken in a Biskit. Not by a long shot.

And so the years passed, and so many things have happened to your guide Jose that there was barely any room in his life for Chicken in a Biskit. But recently we danced again, this snack cracker and I, and I was delighted to find we still make such a happy pair—which I suppose is fairly a common occurrence in the romances we share with our favorite snack foods…and still…and still…

Is there any real chicken in them? Well, you know, a little. Do they taste like chicken? Come on, does CHICKEN taste like chicken? Isn’t that the weird and wonderful thing about chicken? That it doesn’t seem to have a specific taste?

Anyway, that’s it. Chicken in a Biskit makes this shitty world a little better. Try them. For a different opinion, check out what this asshole has to say.