Earlier in the year we here at Jose el Retardo expressed our sincere disappointment in the United States military for not having the foresight to make real laser beams with scary colors and crazy “pew pew” sounds that would make a person shit their pants before being completely evaporated in a puff of fine, red mist (click here to check out this fine piece of blogtation). We stand by this concern; I feel it’s legitimate, and would like to add another point to this already lucid op-ed piece by saying that one of the best ways for any government agency to gain public support is to wow the ever-loving shit out of us with big, shiny, dangerous devices that do crazy-ass things in crazy-ass ways. Let me stress that simply making bigger, louder explosions that blow the limbs off of innocent children is NOT a means to this end, but simply distasteful, and makes us all very, very angry.

There is a point to all of this blathering, faithful reader. I am delirious with pride to announce that the military has heard the insistent call of Jose el Retardo; they have seen the unremitting desire for civic pride that rang so true in your succinct and astute comments. Because of our united cries for technical satisfaction, finally, the armed services have decided to wow us. Behold the weird insect/dog/deer creepy thing:

Is that fucking CRAZY, or what? The beauty of this is that it works on two levels: firstly, if you cover a ginormous version of this mechanical monster with funky hair and spikes and other assorted scary shit and mount a big ass, acid goo gun on the top and send it over the hill and through the smoke…friend, our enemies will literally shit their fucking pants. Add to the mix a big, glowing set of red, blinking, sensor thingies and evil, ragged pinchers, and there’s probably a fairly decent chance that a shot need never be fired.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, make a small version, cover it in friendly, smooth plastic and give it huge, pouting eyes, and you have a fantastic, all-around house helper. I could totally see myself snagging a beer from an Igloo brand cooler mounted on the back of such a cute, rugged item. Envision a whole new industry created from the possible attachments: vacuum cleaners, bed makers, dog walkers, child playmates, home entertainment systems of infinite varieties, pest control (I would love a mouse-shooting laser beam—how cool would THAT be?), general cleaning, gardening and weed pulling, laundry folding, cat training, Frisbee fetching…the list goes on and on, people. Endless possibilities bring bottomless joy. Can you feel the satisfaction as you send your killer bugbot out to dispatch a feckless burglar?

This is our moment of triumph. Revel in it, but not for too long. It is only with constant diligence that we can win that battle against the lethargic leanings of bureaucratic behemoths.

A friend and co-worker by the name of Josh (who will probably get quite upset to see that I’ve listed him as a friend, but he can go straight to hell if he doesn’t like it) recently sent me the following video about a little, non-lethal heat beam being developed by the military to safely disperse unruly crowds, create new sex fetishes, and heat 7-11 breakfast sandwiches from 50 feet away (more below).

When the hell is the military going to get serious? Non-lethal? Who gives a good god-damn!? The last I heard, we have a perfectly good, non-lethal method for breaking up angry teenagers brazenly throwing bottles at pasty college history professors—it’s called a fire hose, my friends. We’ve been using them for many years to great effect.

Listen up, you lazy good-for-nothing punk-asses down at the Pentagon wasting my hard earned dimes on this petty bullshit, and get it straight: this is not what we hired you to do. We the people, in order form a more perfectly lean, mean, ass-kicking machine, would like for you to start—today if possible—developing a crazy-ass beam that will KILL people, please. Hell, I can burn people! I don’t need you for that! Give me a match and some lighter fluid in a squeeze bottle and I’ll be all over that shit, brother. How about a REAL laser beam (a visible beam if possible—the only way your gonna scare a mother-fucker is to let him see what you’re packing; make it all eerie and green-ish blue and have it make a ‘pew pew’ noise) that, upon contact with a human body or other structure or object, blows it right the fuck up? Or even better, disintegrates the bastard all together in a puff of red mist. No muss, no fuss, no clean-up. Fire it once on the unsuspecting masses, and I guarantee you that you will not have another crowd control issue ever again.

Come on, General. You cats are failing on all fronts. We simply don’t get anything good out of you anymore. I think the last time you impressed anybody was the tank—but that was like in 1911 and it was made by the Germans. Stealth bombers? Please. It’s an airplane, pure and simple. Where are the hover cars? Where’s the warp drives? Super-human strength suits? Anti-gravity paint?

Heat ray? Get serious. If you’d like to know what you should be concocting in your secret mountain laboratories, all you have to do is pop some freaking pop corn, huddle the kiddies around, and watch some Star Wars, my man. Do you see the big beams that drop dudes mid-sprint and destroy whole planets? That’s what we’re looking for. Land speeders. Floating cities. Robots. Where’s my protocol droid, General?! WHERE IS IT?!

Oh well. Maybe next time. Anyway, thanks for the big, dumb, rolling microwave, I guess. The next time I have the munchies, I’ll grab a Hot Pocket and start a riot.