Los Angeles, CA (JeR)—As horrified fans and well-wishers looked on, an exhausted and distraught Paula Abdul made her way from Fox LA Headquarters to an idling limousine early this morning with what looked to be multiple injuries to her face and extremities. She was escorted by several armed Fox Security personnel, the very same who ushered her from Fox studios on Tuesday after Abdul had made her supposed leap forward in time to witness American Idol contestant Jason Castro’s abominable interpretation of megastar Neil Diamond’s 1980 hit, September Morn.

“We’re all so shocked,” said one fan, as tears coursed down her stout cheeks. “She’s always been there for ALL of us, but who will rescue her?” The flustered devotee then turned to a friend and exclaimed, “I just want to die.”

Sentiments appeared to be uniform in the crowd of onlookers, and as Abdul’s car sped away, many milled about aimlessly for well over an hour, wondering how they would piece together their desperate lives; lives now placed in jeopardy by a callous media corporation and a world unconcerned with the fate of one frail, petite celebrity burdened with the proof of one of Albert Einstein’s greatest puzzles.

Some were angry, and they demanded satisfaction for the scientific community who apparently has been robbed of their chance to observe one of the most historical and mysterious phenomena of the millennium—perhaps of all time: that of Abdul’s evident ability to time travel.

Said one: “Look, it’s obvious what happened. Fox was terrified that Abdul would eventually spill the beans about all the future American Idols to come and they decided to shut her up! They beat the shit out of her! And of ALL the reasons they could have picked to beat the shit out of her, they choose the most despicable!”

Another chimed in, “The fact that Jason Castro is still in the competition after last night’s laughable vote-off is proof enough. We’re not stupid. We know when we’re being led off the scent. We can’t let this happen!”

“Kill Castro!” was the chant that later rent the air of Century City, and by noon, effigies of Castro burned in the streets. They were soon met with strong opposition from pro-Cuba factions, and soon all of Los Angeles was ablaze.

Jose el Retardo now believes that our inside source to Fox, who informed us of Abdul’s location yesterday, is now missing and presumed dead by the Los Angeles Police Department, who declined comment. When pressed, a fatigued desk officer only said, “Well, when a man’s head is sent to the station without the rest of his body attached, we generally operate under the assumption that the man is dead.”

Abdul was not available for comment. Jason Castro was also missing, but only presumed stoned.

The investigative offices of Jose el Retardo have recently stumbled upon a nasty conspiracy nestled comfortably in the living rooms of millions of American television viewers. It seems that the so-called creative brilliance behind American Idol—arguably one of the most popular programs in prime-time history—is using flagrant deception to shore up leaky ratings. Simply put: American Idol is disguising established Hollywood talent and recasting them as new, young, potential stars.

A dashing and well-spoken secret informer has recently come forward and given the editors at Jose el Retardo the nauseating details of this atrocious fraud, and we are more than proud to share this exclusive information with our beloved readership.

Our sources have revealed the following:

The mild mannered Jason Castro is actually the View’s own funny lady, Whoopi Goldberg. Surprised? We aren’t. While we’re impressed with Goldberg’s ability to suppress her own vanity in order to portray a more unassuming character than she has in past roles, the fact that the miracle workers in the make-up department neglected to deal with the whole hair thing has had us suspicious from the very beginning of season 7.

A less shocking disclosure is that BJ and the Bear’s own chimp actor, Sam, is reportedly the talent behind the portrayal of David Archuleta. The visual similarities are a dead give-away, although we will admit that we thought Sam had a better singing tone than the voice he is lending his character, David. Possibly he is holding back on the request of the producers in order to accentuate an emulated vocal “growth” pattern in the young Archuleta.

The real fallout of this conspiracy will be the haunted spirits of young girls across the nation; their dreams will no longer be visited by the sweet kisses of feminine-featured boys blessed with the voices of angels, but rather the time-ravaged vestiges of old Tinsel Town.