Once again, Jose el Retardo is doing what he can to bring you the facts. In a world full of weird bodily fluids and strange toxic babies, a voice of truth. Reason. Tell the world, people, that Heath Ledger was not in Mary-Kate Olson’s apartment! Once again, from the NY Times:

“At first, Paul J. Browne, the Police Department’s deputy commissioner for public information, said that the apartment was owned by the actress Mary-Kate Olsen, but later reversed himself and said that was not the case. In a phone interview, Annette Wolf, a representative of Ms. Olsen, said, “It is not her apartment,” adding, “She does not own the apartment. She has never owned the apartment. She and her sister have an apartment in New York City but they are not in this building.” An earlier version of this article reported the erroneous detail from the police.”

So I guess he wasn’t banging the crazy stick girl. Cross out the first reason on my list for suicide.

So, hey, it was also reported that this guy was found dead and naked at the foot of his bed by the housekeeper and the masseuse, and then later, they said he was merely unconscious ON the bed but could not be revived-with a bunch of sleeping pills by his bed (the article I read said “both prescription medication and nonprescription”; something about that is also strange to me). Where do the reporters get these initial reports? WAS he naked at the foot of the bed, and the family was like, “Hey, WTF you assholes, can you afford this guy some dignity?” Or did a bunch of overly-eager, grade-grubbing reporters latch on with ferocious tenacity to the first bone they were thrown without bothering to check on the veracity of such tawdry, back-alley banter? Either way, the world is a pretty crazy place.

One last question, and then let’s get to drying our eyes and searching for the next big mess: If in fact this man committed suicide, with a name like Ledger, why didn’t he choose to jump off a building?

You heard it here third. From the freaking New York Times, so it must be true:

Actor Heath Ledger Is Found Dead

By Sewell Chan

The actor Heath Ledger was found dead this afternoon in an apartment building at 421 Broome Street in SoHo, according to the New York City police. Mr. Ledger was 28.

At 3:31 p.m., a masseuse arrived at Apartment 5A in the building for an appointment with Mr. Ledger, the police said. The masseuse was let in to the home by a housekeeper, who then knocked on the door of Mr. Ledger’s bedroom. When no one answered, the housekeeper and the masseuse opened the bedroom and found Mr. Ledger unconscious. They shook him, but he did not respond. They immediately called the authorities. The police said they did not suspect foul play and said they found pills near body.

Mr. Ledger, a native of Perth, Australia, won acclaim for his role as a co-star in “Brokeback Mountain”, a 2005 film. The film, based on a short story by Annie Proulx about two cowboys who fall in love, won critical acclaim. Reviewing the film in The New York Times, the critic Stephen Holden wrote, “Mr. Ledger magically and mysteriously disappears beneath the skin of his lean, sinewy character. It is a great screen performance, as good as the best of Marlon Brando and Sean Penn.”

Calls by The New York Times to Mara Buxbaum, a publicist for Mr. Ledger, and Steve Alexander, the actor’s agent, were not immediately returned this afternoon.