A friend and co-worker by the name of Josh (who will probably get quite upset to see that I’ve listed him as a friend, but he can go straight to hell if he doesn’t like it) recently sent me the following video about a little, non-lethal heat beam being developed by the military to safely disperse unruly crowds, create new sex fetishes, and heat 7-11 breakfast sandwiches from 50 feet away (more below).

When the hell is the military going to get serious? Non-lethal? Who gives a good god-damn!? The last I heard, we have a perfectly good, non-lethal method for breaking up angry teenagers brazenly throwing bottles at pasty college history professors—it’s called a fire hose, my friends. We’ve been using them for many years to great effect.

Listen up, you lazy good-for-nothing punk-asses down at the Pentagon wasting my hard earned dimes on this petty bullshit, and get it straight: this is not what we hired you to do. We the people, in order form a more perfectly lean, mean, ass-kicking machine, would like for you to start—today if possible—developing a crazy-ass beam that will KILL people, please. Hell, I can burn people! I don’t need you for that! Give me a match and some lighter fluid in a squeeze bottle and I’ll be all over that shit, brother. How about a REAL laser beam (a visible beam if possible—the only way your gonna scare a mother-fucker is to let him see what you’re packing; make it all eerie and green-ish blue and have it make a ‘pew pew’ noise) that, upon contact with a human body or other structure or object, blows it right the fuck up? Or even better, disintegrates the bastard all together in a puff of red mist. No muss, no fuss, no clean-up. Fire it once on the unsuspecting masses, and I guarantee you that you will not have another crowd control issue ever again.

Come on, General. You cats are failing on all fronts. We simply don’t get anything good out of you anymore. I think the last time you impressed anybody was the tank—but that was like in 1911 and it was made by the Germans. Stealth bombers? Please. It’s an airplane, pure and simple. Where are the hover cars? Where’s the warp drives? Super-human strength suits? Anti-gravity paint?

Heat ray? Get serious. If you’d like to know what you should be concocting in your secret mountain laboratories, all you have to do is pop some freaking pop corn, huddle the kiddies around, and watch some Star Wars, my man. Do you see the big beams that drop dudes mid-sprint and destroy whole planets? That’s what we’re looking for. Land speeders. Floating cities. Robots. Where’s my protocol droid, General?! WHERE IS IT?!

Oh well. Maybe next time. Anyway, thanks for the big, dumb, rolling microwave, I guess. The next time I have the munchies, I’ll grab a Hot Pocket and start a riot.