The investigative offices of Jose el Retardo have recently stumbled upon a nasty conspiracy nestled comfortably in the living rooms of millions of American television viewers. It seems that the so-called creative brilliance behind American Idol—arguably one of the most popular programs in prime-time history—is using flagrant deception to shore up leaky ratings. Simply put: American Idol is disguising established Hollywood talent and recasting them as new, young, potential stars.

A dashing and well-spoken secret informer has recently come forward and given the editors at Jose el Retardo the nauseating details of this atrocious fraud, and we are more than proud to share this exclusive information with our beloved readership.

Our sources have revealed the following:

The mild mannered Jason Castro is actually the View’s own funny lady, Whoopi Goldberg. Surprised? We aren’t. While we’re impressed with Goldberg’s ability to suppress her own vanity in order to portray a more unassuming character than she has in past roles, the fact that the miracle workers in the make-up department neglected to deal with the whole hair thing has had us suspicious from the very beginning of season 7.

A less shocking disclosure is that BJ and the Bear’s own chimp actor, Sam, is reportedly the talent behind the portrayal of David Archuleta. The visual similarities are a dead give-away, although we will admit that we thought Sam had a better singing tone than the voice he is lending his character, David. Possibly he is holding back on the request of the producers in order to accentuate an emulated vocal “growth” pattern in the young Archuleta.

The real fallout of this conspiracy will be the haunted spirits of young girls across the nation; their dreams will no longer be visited by the sweet kisses of feminine-featured boys blessed with the voices of angels, but rather the time-ravaged vestiges of old Tinsel Town.