Earlier in the year we here at Jose el Retardo expressed our sincere disappointment in the United States military for not having the foresight to make real laser beams with scary colors and crazy “pew pew” sounds that would make a person shit their pants before being completely evaporated in a puff of fine, red mist (click here to check out this fine piece of blogtation). We stand by this concern; I feel it’s legitimate, and would like to add another point to this already lucid op-ed piece by saying that one of the best ways for any government agency to gain public support is to wow the ever-loving shit out of us with big, shiny, dangerous devices that do crazy-ass things in crazy-ass ways. Let me stress that simply making bigger, louder explosions that blow the limbs off of innocent children is NOT a means to this end, but simply distasteful, and makes us all very, very angry.

There is a point to all of this blathering, faithful reader. I am delirious with pride to announce that the military has heard the insistent call of Jose el Retardo; they have seen the unremitting desire for civic pride that rang so true in your succinct and astute comments. Because of our united cries for technical satisfaction, finally, the armed services have decided to wow us. Behold the weird insect/dog/deer creepy thing:

Is that fucking CRAZY, or what? The beauty of this is that it works on two levels: firstly, if you cover a ginormous version of this mechanical monster with funky hair and spikes and other assorted scary shit and mount a big ass, acid goo gun on the top and send it over the hill and through the smoke…friend, our enemies will literally shit their fucking pants. Add to the mix a big, glowing set of red, blinking, sensor thingies and evil, ragged pinchers, and there’s probably a fairly decent chance that a shot need never be fired.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, make a small version, cover it in friendly, smooth plastic and give it huge, pouting eyes, and you have a fantastic, all-around house helper. I could totally see myself snagging a beer from an Igloo brand cooler mounted on the back of such a cute, rugged item. Envision a whole new industry created from the possible attachments: vacuum cleaners, bed makers, dog walkers, child playmates, home entertainment systems of infinite varieties, pest control (I would love a mouse-shooting laser beam—how cool would THAT be?), general cleaning, gardening and weed pulling, laundry folding, cat training, Frisbee fetching…the list goes on and on, people. Endless possibilities bring bottomless joy. Can you feel the satisfaction as you send your killer bugbot out to dispatch a feckless burglar?

This is our moment of triumph. Revel in it, but not for too long. It is only with constant diligence that we can win that battle against the lethargic leanings of bureaucratic behemoths.