SAINI SUNPURA, India (JeR) — On March 11^th, sources informed the Jose el Retardo International Desk that an infant with two adorable faces was born to a dirt-poor family on a northern India farm 25 miles east of New Delhi. Apparently, this development has raised many eyebrows—as well as hopes—in the halls of the United States’ legislative branches, spawning many rumors of a dawning golden age in American politics.

The father of this tiny miracle, 23 year old Vinod Singh, has said that he believes this precious angel, named Lali, is the reincarnation of the Hindu goddess of valor, Durga, reportedly a rather bitchy divine spirit with lots of arms and a trio of peepers. As it happens, doctors believe differently, and say little Lali is suffering from an extraordinarily rare deformity known as craniofacial duplication. However, the town remains adamant, and throngs of visitors keep pouring in, hoping to lay eyes on the deity incarnate. The father remains fantastically upbeat, stating, “”My daughter is fine—like any other child.”

Back in Washington DC, members of both houses of Congress are looking at the matter from a slightly different angle, albeit just as optimistically. “Hey, this fucking kid’s got one head and two fucking faces,” raves representative Todd Akin of Missouri, “From a politician’s standpoint, you can’t beat it with a stick!”

Speaking strictly under the conditions of confidentiality, Representative Chip Pickering of Mississippi’s view was more illuminating, and brings into sharp relief an idea commonly shared here in the capital: “Think about it. Most politicians spend their entire lives practicing the art of merely speaking out of both sides of their mouths. Very few ever get around to truly perfecting being two-faced. If this child could be brought over here and taught our ways…I mean, could you imagine what might have happened if a true patriot like Strom Thurmond or Trent Lott had been given such a gift from God?” When asked what he thought of the reports from Saini Hospital’s director, Sabir Ali, claiming that dear Lali “…drinks milk from her two mouths and opens and shuts all the four eyes at one time,” Pickering grabbed his head with both hands and exclaimed, “Oh my Christ, we’ve got to get this girl over here. Whatever the cost.”

Chuck Schumer, the New York Senator, was demure regarding the prospects of bringing the bi-facial child to the states, however he did surmise, “I wouldn’t doubt if the White House is already way ahead of all of us on this one. I mean, just recently my office was asked to reach out to Madonna’s handlers regarding her ability to take on more mothering duties—and let me be clear that I’m only speculating here—but it doesn’t take a genius to do the math.” When asked what he thought it might mean to Lali’s parents to have the girl stripped from their modest shack so that she could be bathed in the glow of celebrity and raised under the strict conventions of American public service, Schumer was apathetic. “Eh, you know, what can you do?” he shrugged, “The good of the many, right? I mean, you have to admit, she’d make a hell of a cabinet member.”

Back in India, the politicians there had more immediate concerns. Saini village Chief Daulat Ram is working to convince the Indian Government to provide funds to build a Durga temple in the town, and is asking for assistance to be given to the Singh’s for the care of their little sensation.

When told of the plans for the shrine, a source close to President Bush scoffed. “A temple to WHO? Look, I’m sure if we tell President Patil over there that we’ve got a whole slew of phone jockey jobs to send her way, you know, she’s gonna give us the kid. Please. They’d trade their own mothers over there for a pint of clean water.” When pressed to say whether this was an admission on the part of the White House to attempt to claim the girl, the source ruffled. “Look, we’re just talking here, right? Don’t go walking around saying shit like that, okay, cause you’re just gonna cause problems for everyone. People get hurt over crap like this. Nice people. Nice people like you, and your very nice family.”

Rep Pickering seemed less secretive, possibly because he was speaking anonymously. “Hey, America’s in need. Look at our political landscape. It’s a mess. It’s like you can’t tell a decent lie anymore without everybody getting all pissy and bent out of shape about it. We need a true two-faced ringer. We need a hero. America needs Lali Singh.” Then Pickering sighed, and opening a Fresca, he ruminated, “She’d have to change her name, though. ‘Lali.’ It’s silly. Maybe something like Susan Reed, or Barbara Lewis, or Amanda Hugginkis—something solid like that.”

Mr. Singh presumably does not have a phone, and therefore could not be reached by the offices of Jose el Retardo for a statement.

Tags: Baby with two faces, Chip Pickering, Chuck Schumer, Durga, Hindu goddess of valor, India, Lali, Politics, Todd Akin, Vinod Singh, White House

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